Dreams

I feel that dreams have a way of expressing our hidden feelings that we have pushed aside deep down within. Whether it's anger, disappointment, frustration, homosexual desires, or various struggles, I feel that if I ignore them, they will come out one way or another. Dreams is one of those outlets.

I remember that my dream left me angry, frustrated, and upset. My dream last night included my mom and dad and we were at a restaurant having a meal. I wanted to get to know my mom a little better and she started out responding to my expectations, but was immediately distracted by the food being brought to the table. That was my first frustration. Even though i got a little bit out of her, I felt like she moved on and forgot about me when the food was brought out.

Well, as we started finishing up our food, the waitress came by and started clearing out the plates even though I was not finished with my food. This made me angry because she just took the plates without asking if we were finished. As she cleared the plates, one of the plates was a hot plate that was connected to an outlet. As she cleared the hot plate, she didn't know it was still attached to the wall and as a result it kept hitting me and would not detach! This left me even more angry at the woman. Eventually, the cord became taut and somehow pushed myself over in my chair. I was pissed!!

What made matters worse was that even though everyone saw that I fell as a result of the cord, no one would believe me. Everyone, including my mom, said that I was making things up. I was so angry. I was so frustrated. I then woke up.

This dream revealed to me that my feelings about my mother include frustration and not being heard. That really sucks. If this dream did not take place, I would not have made the connection that my everyday interactions are a resemblance of my mom and that when I try to connect with someone, I try so hard to be heard by them (to the point that it's ridiculous and unhealthy).

My homosexual impulses are partly a result of this feeling I have for my mom. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to listen to me and believe me. I am learning that relationships with other men and women take time and that if I am open and honest with them, there is no need to over exaggerate and try to gain their approval. It isn't the other person that validates myself, ultimately I have to come to that reality for myself and accept it.

David, Not Gay Now