Dreams

I feel that dreams have a way of expressing our hidden feelings that we have pushed aside deep down within. Whether it's anger, disappointment, frustration, homosexual desires, or various struggles, I feel that if I ignore them, they will come out one way or another. Dreams is one of those outlets.

I remember that my dream left me angry, frustrated, and upset. My dream last night included my mom and dad and we were at a restaurant having a meal. I wanted to get to know my mom a little better and she started out responding to my expectations, but was immediately distracted by the food being brought to the table. That was my first frustration. Even though i got a little bit out of her, I felt like she moved on and forgot about me when the food was brought out.

Well, as we started finishing up our food, the waitress came by and started clearing out the plates even though I was not finished with my food. This made me angry because she just took the plates without asking if we were finished. As she cleared the plates, one of the plates was a hot plate that was connected to an outlet. As she cleared the hot plate, she didn't know it was still attached to the wall and as a result it kept hitting me and would not detach! This left me even more angry at the woman. Eventually, the cord became taut and somehow pushed myself over in my chair. I was pissed!!

What made matters worse was that even though everyone saw that I fell as a result of the cord, no one would believe me. Everyone, including my mom, said that I was making things up. I was so angry. I was so frustrated. I then woke up.

This dream revealed to me that my feelings about my mother include frustration and not being heard. That really sucks. If this dream did not take place, I would not have made the connection that my everyday interactions are a resemblance of my mom and that when I try to connect with someone, I try so hard to be heard by them (to the point that it's ridiculous and unhealthy).

My homosexual impulses are partly a result of this feeling I have for my mom. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to listen to me and believe me. I am learning that relationships with other men and women take time and that if I am open and honest with them, there is no need to over exaggerate and try to gain their approval. It isn't the other person that validates myself, ultimately I have to come to that reality for myself and accept it.

David, Not Gay Now

Guilt-Less

The past several hours I have been battling guilt and shame for my anonymous hook up the other day. There are times where I tell myself to not be ashamed about what I have done because it was a legitimate need that was satisfied in an illegitimate way. Then there are other times where I am ashamed about what I did and the desire to continue to be ashamed about my hook up starts to cause me to spiral into wanting to masturbate, look at pornography, going to Craigslist, and ultimately hooking up.

My struggle right now is to not self-condemn myself, to hold onto the positives that are happening right now, and slow myself down from the constant 'doing' of life. It's tough and difficult right now, but I'm doing my best. I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

What has helped me the most today was talking about this struggle with one of my best friends, Chavez. Just having someone there who listens, accepts me for who I am, and doesn't judge me has been helping me to move on.

I don't know what to do right now. If someone is reading this, what would you do if you were in my situation?

I Fell and Now I'm Standing Back Up!

Have you ever felt lonely? Do you ever feel the need for attention? Wanted more affection in life? Did you want those that love you give you more affirmation in all that you do? I do.

No matter how much I work to get other people's to notice me, I realize the problem isn't with them, the issue lies within me. If I can't find the strength to give myself the much needed attention, affection, and affirmation I desire in life, no one else can give that to me.

For the past several years, I have been constantly going onto Craigslist to look for a hook up with other men. This was because I felt lonely, I wanted someone to give me their time, tell me that I was good looking, and for someone to hold me in their arms. These desires, while homosexual, come from a deep rooted desire for genuine love. To go onto Craigslist and find this is quite ridiculous, but it was the only way that I knew how to get what I wanted.

So I spend wasted hours upon hours, browsing through the multiple 'men seeking men' posts hoping to find my dream and to satisfy the longing of attention, affection, and affirmation. I send pictures upon pictures, and reply to posts upon posts of people looking for some type of hook up. 4-5 hours pass on and all for nothing.

Even with the few posts that have responded back to me, I realize that they have similar issues just like me. A lot of them have had a history of abuse, they have often been neglected, and no one seems to give a shit about who they are.

The reality is that they can't find their identity through another person. I can't find my identity through another person. I am the only one that can tell myself whether or not I am handsome, good looking, confident, etc ...

I am telling myself, I can't do this on my own, and the only person who can help me is Jesus Christ. It is He who defines who I am, and it is only through Him that I am made strong. Last night, I hooked up with another man because I felt lost, lonely, and insecure. Today, I go to my Father in Heaven and asked for His forgiveness, I received it, and I am moving on. I'm not going to beat myself up about it and I am going to move forward.

~David, Author of Not Gay Now