The past several hours I have been battling guilt and shame for my anonymous hook up the other day. There are times where I tell myself to not be ashamed about what I have done because it was a legitimate need that was satisfied in an illegitimate way. Then there are other times where I am ashamed about what I did and the desire to continue to be ashamed about my hook up starts to cause me to spiral into wanting to masturbate, look at pornography, going to Craigslist, and ultimately hooking up.
My struggle right now is to not self-condemn myself, to hold onto the positives that are happening right now, and slow myself down from the constant 'doing' of life. It's tough and difficult right now, but I'm doing my best. I'm putting one foot in front of the other.
What has helped me the most today was talking about this struggle with one of my best friends, Chavez. Just having someone there who listens, accepts me for who I am, and doesn't judge me has been helping me to move on.
I don't know what to do right now. If someone is reading this, what would you do if you were in my situation?
Showing posts with label Homosexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Homosexuality. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I Fell and Now I'm Standing Back Up!
Have you ever felt lonely? Do you ever feel the need for attention? Wanted more affection in life? Did you want those that love you give you more affirmation in all that you do? I do.
No matter how much I work to get other people's to notice me, I realize the problem isn't with them, the issue lies within me. If I can't find the strength to give myself the much needed attention, affection, and affirmation I desire in life, no one else can give that to me.
For the past several years, I have been constantly going onto Craigslist to look for a hook up with other men. This was because I felt lonely, I wanted someone to give me their time, tell me that I was good looking, and for someone to hold me in their arms. These desires, while homosexual, come from a deep rooted desire for genuine love. To go onto Craigslist and find this is quite ridiculous, but it was the only way that I knew how to get what I wanted.
So I spend wasted hours upon hours, browsing through the multiple 'men seeking men' posts hoping to find my dream and to satisfy the longing of attention, affection, and affirmation. I send pictures upon pictures, and reply to posts upon posts of people looking for some type of hook up. 4-5 hours pass on and all for nothing.
Even with the few posts that have responded back to me, I realize that they have similar issues just like me. A lot of them have had a history of abuse, they have often been neglected, and no one seems to give a shit about who they are.
The reality is that they can't find their identity through another person. I can't find my identity through another person. I am the only one that can tell myself whether or not I am handsome, good looking, confident, etc ...
I am telling myself, I can't do this on my own, and the only person who can help me is Jesus Christ. It is He who defines who I am, and it is only through Him that I am made strong. Last night, I hooked up with another man because I felt lost, lonely, and insecure. Today, I go to my Father in Heaven and asked for His forgiveness, I received it, and I am moving on. I'm not going to beat myself up about it and I am going to move forward.
~David, Author of Not Gay Now
No matter how much I work to get other people's to notice me, I realize the problem isn't with them, the issue lies within me. If I can't find the strength to give myself the much needed attention, affection, and affirmation I desire in life, no one else can give that to me.
For the past several years, I have been constantly going onto Craigslist to look for a hook up with other men. This was because I felt lonely, I wanted someone to give me their time, tell me that I was good looking, and for someone to hold me in their arms. These desires, while homosexual, come from a deep rooted desire for genuine love. To go onto Craigslist and find this is quite ridiculous, but it was the only way that I knew how to get what I wanted.
So I spend wasted hours upon hours, browsing through the multiple 'men seeking men' posts hoping to find my dream and to satisfy the longing of attention, affection, and affirmation. I send pictures upon pictures, and reply to posts upon posts of people looking for some type of hook up. 4-5 hours pass on and all for nothing.
Even with the few posts that have responded back to me, I realize that they have similar issues just like me. A lot of them have had a history of abuse, they have often been neglected, and no one seems to give a shit about who they are.
The reality is that they can't find their identity through another person. I can't find my identity through another person. I am the only one that can tell myself whether or not I am handsome, good looking, confident, etc ...
I am telling myself, I can't do this on my own, and the only person who can help me is Jesus Christ. It is He who defines who I am, and it is only through Him that I am made strong. Last night, I hooked up with another man because I felt lost, lonely, and insecure. Today, I go to my Father in Heaven and asked for His forgiveness, I received it, and I am moving on. I'm not going to beat myself up about it and I am going to move forward.
~David, Author of Not Gay Now
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